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This is my life.Everything you read is true.Six months ago I ended a 5 year relationship with a very special guy.For lack of a better term...everything went to Hell,fast.I lost my lover & home in the same week.I went home to Mother & Father at 33.Hopefully this page will help everyone that is going through a some sort of trauma.You are not alone.We all suffer in one way or another.It's what we do about it that makes the difference.Just remember to never give up...things can change for the better rather quickly. Take it from someone who has had to start over a couple of times in his life. Trauma & the daily drama of our lifes can make a 33 year old feel as if he's pushing 100 on any given day.
Please believe when I say that I do not feel sorry for myself. I take my share of the blame for all the woes that have come my way. I am one of those people that believe we are responsible for our own destiny. Oh boy...did I goof a couple of times. But,it's never too late. Up until six months ago, I had the world. I had a home,a cat and a wonderful lover.what more does any gay man need? For the most part,the 5 years that I was with my lover was wonderful.But,things changed that last year.Boy,did they...Six months ago,my world turned upside down.I got to keep the cat,though.
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The last day me & Brent spent together was short...thankfully.I was packing & he was packing.I was going to put all of my stuff in storage,taking only my clothes to my parents.Brent was putting his stuff in boxes.Very small boxes.His father was driving up from the coast to pick him up in a van.Brent would stay with his parents for two weeks & before they sent him to live with his cousin in Los Angeles.We were acting as if it were just another day.Trying to be light & upbeat.Everything was okay until his father was there,packing the boxes into the van.When the last box went into the van,Brent turned to me & clinging...crying his eyes out.I started crying.His dad got very upset seeing two fags clinging to each other in the middle of the parking lot balling their eyes out.Finally Brent pulled himself away from me and got into the van.The last thing I said to him was "Ya gotta cigarette?"He just laughed & handed me the whole pack he had in his hands.I had quit two years ago.
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After standing in the parking lot for a few minutes, finishing up my cigarette, I went back into the apartment. There was nothing left but a pile of clothes & our mattress. Carmeigh (my cat), sat on the mattress licking his balls. I sat down on the mattress beside my cat & cried for what must have been 4 hours without stopping. The apartment was so empty that my sobs echoed off the walls. Carmeigh kept licking his balls. It was almost as if Carmeigh was saying, ?See?Life Goes On?. It was hard, the feelings I had then. Brent?s larger than life character always filled the rooms. Now there was just me. Single. Alone. Moving back home at 33. I must have smoked that whole pack of cigs, just setting there thinking. Finally around 9, I got my self together and decided to go out. Being alone that night was just too much for me. As soon as I got to Liasons, the bartender asked me where Brent was. Seeing one of us without the other was a rare thing. I told him that I was finally a free man again & tried to act happy about the whole thing. The bartender just patted my hand and told me that I would be drinking for free that night. Drink, I did.
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Trouble begins at night as it often does. It was that time comfortable time between going to bed & actually falling asleep. It was a late Spring night but yet still cool. Brent?s warmth felt good beside me. I was lying on my back staring out at the stars through the skylight. Just as I was about to drop off, I felt Brent stir a little.
?Honey?you awake?? He whispered, touching my hip.
?Yeah Baby?what ??? Thinking he wanted to have sex.
?I keep having this fantasy?.? He began. ?I want to watch another guy fuck you.?
My heart began to beat in my throat. I felt so betrayed by his confession. I didn?t understand how he could get off watching me have sex with another man if he truly loved me. To me at that moment it was as if he had just woken me up and said , ?I don?t love you anymore?. He went back to sleep. I cried feeling him slipping away even as he slept. I agreed to an open relationship shortly after, hoping that this freedom might save us that last year. Guys?it doesn?t help a relationship. Trust me, I know. It only serves to drive a wedge further between the two of you.
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It?s a week later & I?m still in the apartment. There truly is nothing left now. Just the mattress that Carmeigh &I share. My 50?s phonograph and an old Caterina Valente album sit where the kitchen table once stood. I play the album many times, hoping the power in her voice will somehow motivate me to move on. I sit on the balcony alot staring out in the forest trying to remember only the good times. The phone rings constantly, the answering machine long ago reaching it?s limit. Only one friend knew that I was still in the apartment. I had asked Dave over that second evening to help me finish the packing. After about one hour, Dave picked this time to confess to me that he was in love with me. Here is my best friend, staring at me?his heart on his sleeve.
I was just too numb to even comprehend what he was saying at that time. So, Dave left hurt. I lost weight that week. My meals consisting of Gatorade & peanuts. On the eighth morning, the phone just wouldn?t stop. I tried my best to ignore it, but when Brent?s voice came on the line, I picked it up.
?My God, Babe?what are you still doing there? You were supposed to be out of there two days after I left?? Even though Brent was in LA, I could still feel his anger coming through the line.
?I?I?can?t seem to finish this up?? I stumbled.
?You got to get out of there?the apartment complex is going to charge us extra!?
?Okay?I?ll be out tomorrow.?
?You okay, babe??? Brent?s voice suddenly turned soft.
?I?m okay, yeah?I?m alright.? I said and sat the phone back into the cradle.
I left the apartment the next day. With a sinking feeling, I headed for Lincolnton.
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I was tired of packing?boxes were everywhere and I didn?t seem to be getting anywhere. I looked around at the apartment. My life in cardboard box. Brent came in the living room with an armload of clothes.
He held up a silver lame shirt. ?Yours or mine??
?Yours?remember, you ordered that from International Male?? I offered.
?Oh..? He flung it into a box and stopped to say something. ?Why don?t we go out tonight, Babe ?one last time??
?We?re not finished, Brent?. Look at all this stuff!? I was beginning to go into a panic mode.
Brent shuffled over to my spot on the floor and kissed the back of my neck. ?Come on.. Both of us are on edge?our nerves are rubbed raw?let?s go get a drink. We can finished this in the morning if we get up real early.?
I released my breath slowly. Anything to stop this madness for a while. ?Okay?let?s go?
I went into the bedroom and put on a pair of shorts and a white tank. I could hear Brent in the bathroom taking a shower. When he finally opened the door, he was completely bald. His beautiful black hair in a puddle at his feet. He had the most amazing grin on his face.
?You like it, babe??
I could only stare. I was completely at a loss for words. ?God?why?d you do that?? I gathered steam. ?I love your hair!?
?Well.. Ken. We?re both starting over tomorrow. New life?new look.?
?You?re right?it?s your hair, you can do anything you want. I have no right?? I trailed off and began to search for my shoes.
Brent followed me into the bedroom to frown at my outfit. ?You?re wearing that?. Why don?t you wear something sexy??
?What?s wrong with what I?m wearing??
Brent fumbled to light his cigarette. ?Wear your black leather shorts?. I?m horny, let?s bring some people back here and fuck tonight.?
I just looked at him. I again realized that I never really knew him. ?Okay Brent?whatever makes you happy.?
?Unless you want to stay here and let me fuck you one last time??
?Let?s go out, then.?
As soon as we walked in the door of the bar, the tongues started wagging. Couples that have a reputation for being into three-ways always get a lot of attention & speculation. I hated being someone?s fetish. We grabbed beers and tucked ourselves into a corner by the back bar.
I walked outside to give Brent a chance to cruise alone for a while. It was a wonderful balmy night with a slight breeze. These kinds of nights make me lonely for a midnight walk on the beach. There?s something about the salt air that purifies the soul. I sat down at a picnic table hoping to hide the garish black leather shorts I had on. A birthday gift from Brent?courtesy of International Male. The shorts screamed ?Fuck Me? to everyone that laid eyes on them. I even contemplated building a little bon fire on the patio and sending the shorts on their way to Hell. But, that might have been a little on the extreme side because I was feeling pretty loopy these days. After a while the crowd began to thin out & I got the courage to go back inside. Brent was deep in conversation with a Latino guy that stripped at one of the other bars in town. I walked past them, smiling back at Brent to get his attention. He joined me at the bar.
?What do you think?hot, huh?? He was flushed with excitement.
?Brent?he?s a stripper.?
?I know, he told me?God, he?s hot.?
I squeezed his shoulder. ?Good for you, Babe.?
?So, what?s the plan?I?m getting bored with this??
?I?m going home with him?he?ll bring me back to the apartment in the morning.?
?You?re sure ?you feel good about this??
?Ken?I?m horny?I wanna get laid!?
?Okay?I?m just worried. If you need a ride home afterwards. Call the house.?
?Okay. Bye Babe.? He hugged me & I left.
When I got home, I popped The Sound Of Music in the VCR and laid down on the couch. This was our favorite comfort film. With visions of the Von Trapp children in my head, I fell into a deep sleep. About an hour later, I was awakened by the sound of a key in the lock. Brent and the stripper walked in.
?Oh. Hi Ken.What are you still doing up?? The stripper just stood there with a very amused look on his face.
?I fell asleep?. The movie.?
?His room-mate was at home?so we had to come back here.?
?Oh.?
Brent took the stripper?s hand and pulled him into the bedroom. I laid back down on the couch and buried myself in the quilt and pillows trying to block the sound of their lovemaking out. Another part of me wanted to run to the bedroom door and pound on it..demanding that they stop.
Finally when I thought that they might be through?I uncovered my head and began to listen. I heard giggling and snorting sounds?then a sneeze. My heart was dropped into my shoes. Brent had been clean all these years that we had been together. It was my worst fear that he?d get back on drugs. This?I could not deal with. I got off the couch and began to pound on the bedroom door.
?What?s going on in there? I hear snorting!? I knew that I sounded like a raving, jealous boyfriend, but at that moment I didn?t care.
I heard them shuffle around, clothes being zipped on. The door opened. The stripper walked out with a dreamy expression on his face. Brent followed.
?What? He?s got an allergy!? He hissed at me as he walked Luis to the door.
?Okay?. Whatever.? I said as my heart began to slow down to a normal beat again.
Luis left and Brent turned to go back to the bedroom. ?Come to bed??
?I think, I?ll watch some TV.? The bedroom door clicked shut as I bean to rewind The Sound Of
Music.
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